Convolute
by awesomesen
Summary: ...'You can only tell when you're awake because of the bindings.' [dark]


_Warnings: Rampant swearing, dark themes, violence of a sort, written in 2nd person POV, etc., etc. Mentioned G/R, should that be warned against, too? **Darkfic**. No happy endings here._

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_i can hear and feel all that you're thinking  
can you deal with the hallucination?  
when i'm drowning in the sea, i am  
when you're looking down at me, i am  
when i'm walking in the streets, i am a bullet._

_-- _"Black Bullet," _kidneythieves _

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Of course, no one was universally popular. To become popular you needed to join one group or the other, and whichever you chose, the other would of course despise you. This is life, that's life--who was it that used to say that? Baralai, probably, in retrospect the most popular of them, of their own little group. Three and a half, the half just to tease Paine--sorry, what was that? I wasn't expecting the Recorder to talk, little jabs like that and then she'd smile wicked and stab her heel at your foot, her pointlessly high heels that hurt like hell like sand like burning. 

Is this what being insane was like?

Lately you've been having trouble thinking. Thoughts sort of skip around, just to be annoying, just to--hey look, there, Rikku with her scarf all tangled and hair all tangled and she's wrinkling her nose and trying her hardest not to cry and she's gone again, dust to sand to dust.

There's an old joke, you've always sort of wanted to tell Baralai, it's a joke about _you_, you'd have said, grinning sharp, and you can see the way he'd look back at you _is that so well then i guess i'd better_ _hear and_-- and maybe you've said it before after all, can imaginations be that clear otherwise?

You were twelve when you first saw someone die, when the ship you were working at, apprenticing at, suddenly exploded, or maybe just part of it, the engine, or the--something--there was just fire and blood and you couldn't _see _anymore, your right eye was _blind _and _dead _and you were crying and wet yourself and so you had sat down right there and bawled like a fucking baby and then the lady, bloody with her arm ripped near off, bones through the skin--you don't want to think about it anymore, so you don't.

The joke you wanted to tell Baralai: What's the difference between a Maester and a Praetor? You say it and forget the punch-line at once, but he turns from his book to look at you and he smiles glasslike at you, tired, _the difference is that i was never a maester_ he tells you gently, and then you remember you've told it to him after all, maybe a couple times, but can you help it? It's such a joke, such a funny--the funniest thing you've ever--

--the woman's arm is near ripped off, you can see her ribs, too, and skin peeling back like a blister but huger, blacker, her entire body is charred and bones and guts and _this is life, that is life_ and she's still alive, how totally fucking nuts is that? You don't want her near you because she's bloody, fuck, she'll bleed all over you, but you're _blind _you're _blind _you're _twelve and bleeding and oh fuck oh fuck oh_ she hugs you with the arm she has left and coughs a little and tells you it'll be okay and then she dies and you cry more and more until the rescue people come, wearing goggles and gas masks and you think Oh No! Al Bhed! until you remember you are one too.

Things had gotten dark then, and you had hoped you were dead.

When you open your eyes you are in a bed and the right eye is open and you can't see and you freak out and sit up and can't because you're _tied down _and this _isn't funny, what the hell, rikku? paine? baralai? nooj? what the hell_? and you see a girl hovering over you and she apologizes and fusses and casts a healing spell and talks sweet to you, not romance sweet but mother-sweet, calm down sweetie, it'll be okay, and you calm down and quiet down and she casts sleep again and

you remember that she's Lady Yuna.

(I'm insane, I'm insane, fuck no I can't be I won't be I--)

You wake up and Rikku is there, eleven and solemn and short-haired, but you don't know her name is Rikku then, and you're in a bed but not tied down except for bandages, so many bandages, lopping over your face and--_my mom's dead_ are her first words, and it turns out that her mom was the gut lady, the arm lady, the one who died _all over you_ and so of course her daughter visits you in the hospital, of course of course and it is years before you can look at Rikku without seeing blood, because no offense kid but your mom died _gross_.

I have a joke for you, you tell Baralai, because you've meant to tell it to him for ages and ages, he won't find it funny but that's part of it, it's so hilarious, the whole thing, the way he sighs and shakes his head and smiles weak and thanks him for telling but

that wasn't the right thing, was it? You think

haven't you told it before?

Lady Yuna kisses your forehead and spells you to sleep.

(whathappenedwhathappenedwhathappenedwhat_happenedtome?_)

You can't _think_ you can't, Yuna puts you to sleep before you can and you try to tell Baralai but keep repeating yourself, you don't mean to but you can't remember, or maybe it's all a dream and you've never said it before, you want to see Rikku so bad because you miss her and she's all elbows but you like that anyway, she asked you about her mother once and you lied and said you didn't remember, you didn't tell her that her mom died with her bones jutting through her skin like branches in sand like metal through cloth, that it was bloody and you peed and thew up and cried and cried, it wasn't a clean death after all, you see? You laugh at her weakly when she starts crying, and

Yuna takes her by the shoulders and steers her away and puts you to sleep and

oh you were awake that time?

Why doesn't Paine visit?

You remember when you were fifteen and you tried to learn to swim and Rikku was showing off because she could hold her breath longer then anyone and liked to prove it, had all this talk about how peaceful it was and you could never get the hang of it and almost drowned in the shallow oasis, you know how pathetic that is, holding onto the bottom rocks and willing your lungs to hold just a little longer and she laughed and laughed at you after saving your ass and then she got all offended when you made her promise not to tell because she wouldn't have anyway and then you decided to fall in love with her someday and live on a beach.

There's something you don't know, but it's just so hard to concentrate on anything and there's this joke you really want to tell Baralai, but you can't remember the punch-line and--

what do you call a recorder that thinks she's better then the actual candidates, you grumbled one day after Paine was being particularly bossy, she always was around you, always always like the world's worst older sister because her job was just to hide in corners with her camera, andandand she smiled and replied and why doesn't she visit you?

First you dream that you were fighting fiends, mountains of fiends, cities of fiends, shoot and shoot and shoot and shoot and _reload _and _this is life that is life _and this is _death _all bloody with an arm missing and bones splintering and hadn't Rikku's mother died of burns?

You can only tell when you're awake because of the bindings, but maybe that's your dream after all, that Baralai is reading some book while keeping guard and Rikku cries and leaves a lot and Yuna is (burning covered in burns _get the fuck away oh hell oh shit oh blood oh no)_

and Paine's never there, and what kind of a person is she, it's her fucking job to stand in corners and be there and watch so why isn't she and why are you tied and why and why and what the hell is _happening_?

You dream that Nooj limps to the door and speaks curtly and Baralai stands up from his chair guilty and closes his book and replies and they both look at you and Baralai has circles under his eyes and _hasn't made any progress in his book _and Paine is the worst recorder ever and should be fired and Nooj speaks some more and Baralai apologizes and sits back down and

Nooj leaves and

Baralai reads and

you wake up.

And the fiends are everywhere and you are shooting and shooting and _this is life and this is not life and _there's Paine, she was standing there all along, and

(I'm insane. I'm insanei'minsanei'minsane _stop casting these fucking sleep spells or i'll kill you and i'll kill you all and i will tear your arm out and_)

When you decided to join the Squad, Rikku got mad at you and broke up with you and you couldn't care less because she was a brat and made of elbows and you hoped she drowned and you hitched a ride to Luca on her salvage ship and she ignored you and that was sort of funny at first because she'd pretend you weren't there when you were and then it got worse and worse and you shoved her and she fell overboard and

she can swim, what's the problem?

You watched her die and you could see her ribs and the skin of her cheek was pierced and you could see her mouth and that she was missing teeth and there was a hole and you told yourself to close her eyes and you were scared and threw up and everyone was dead around you, everyone, and you were all that was left and you didn't know this person anyway and you were crying because you wanted someone to get you and take you away and there was blood in your eyes and you were blind.

You dream that Yuna sighs and says that it's been a week and you dream that she unties your arms and Rikku and Baralai are gone but Nooj is there and he stands guard as Yuna gently checks for sores on your wrists and ankles.

You wake up and the fiends are back and surrounding you and Paine, _fuck _you're useless, you don't even have a recorder, shit, did you forget what your job is? Don't tell me what to do, you aren't my mother

(or Rikku's mother)

and when did she get a sword, anyway? Reload fast, don't think about it now, the fiends the fiends you don't want to be here and

So you go back to dreaming.

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End file.
